beingdifferent | Twelfth little lie ♰ And she smiles and she says "This is it, that's the end of the joke"

[Floods, breaches, and the like don't usually affect Esther too badly. They're strange, they're sometimes horrifying, but she can let them wash past her, secure in the knowledge that they aren't her, that they're only some fleeting impression of energy or dimension. She can usually let them go, and let the people she could have been fade away easily.

In her seven months on board there have been two events she can't easily brush off: the mirror Barge and this one. The mirror dimension's mystique was simple enough; she'd had authority, power, confidence, a measure of safety and camaraderie, and a pang of longing still hit her every time she thought of it. But this last one, when she'd been pushed forward into her future self (a future self, she amended, one that may well never come to fruition), she had been functional. Acceptable, if not normal.

No matter what magics the Admiral might be capable of working, normal could never happen.

There had been inspiration drawn from the flood, Esther understood, but how, she didn't know. Ned had been undead, cold and ready to kill, for God's sake, all for the irritating so-called king who attempted to exert his power over the passengers; Chris (although she suspects he'll never speak to her civilly again) had been terrified and lost; she'd been shown a lie, something that could never be realized. The memories and lessons she learned in that state do not take hold. When she reviews them she feels nothing but doubt, crippling disbelief and self-pity. She cannot survive as a woman, she is well aware. She cannot be the woman the Admiral's shown her - she can't be one at all.

It never works.]

[Private; Rorschach]
Can we please ensure any training sessions take place in a private space?

[Private; Jean]
What is wrong with me?

[Public]
There is much said on this ship about redemption, about second chances, and about forgiveness. It's also been said that some on board deserve none of these things. What makes a person worthy of this consideration? What quality makes them worthwhile? Is it merely their willingness to change or is it something else, some buried trait that gives them their worth?

Threaded | Flat

[The question breaks her heart, a little bit.

It would be easier, safer, to say she doesn't know. It wouldn't really be a lie; she's been in Esther's head, but she hasn't lived her life. But it wouldn't help, and isn't that why she's here?

It takes her a while, but she finally settles on an answer.]

You've been hurt, over and over, by the people you should have been able to trust. [She knows that much; she saw the scars.] That damages people, and you never had anyone who could help you put the pieces back together.

That's why you're here. You don't have to be - it's okay to have scars. To never quite fit. But you can be better. You can be happy. You just need people to show you how.

your worth is inherent through being alive.

nothing you've done makes you a lost cause.

willingness to change signifies only that redemption is in your reach.

Yes. Can give you that much.

[There's a few moments before he continues, then:]

Is my cabin sufficient? Isn't much but can guarantee nobody will interrupt

[He's calm now. It's the calm of despair, knowing he's defenseless against anyone who reaches out their hand to him in a gesture that would comfort any other boy. It does, though, let him think. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven, doesn't even want it, so the way she's framed the question makes him ask.]

Are you sure it isn't only chance?

No matter how terrible a person is, no matter how much they might deserve to be hated, there still might be someone out there who loves them. Or who they love.

think it's all a load of shite. no matter what this place really is it cant absolvve us of anything important. who the fuck asked them to put standards on people?? hi by the way its gary from the dining hall

Nobody deserves forgiveness from the people they've hurt. Some people choose to grant it anyway. That's what forgiveness is.

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