beingdifferent | Thirteenth little lie ♰ That was the phrase she used to describe to her son of the fun she had had

[Due to the death toll, the overwhelming effect it has had on her, Esther is reluctant to show her pale face. The pain is excruciating, occasionally sending her into spasms and crying fits, but she resolves to fight her way through it. She will not let pain defeat her, she never has. She will tolerate it.

The people badmouthing the port, or refusing to admit it even exists, however - that she cannot abide. The Risen Empire had been virtually perfect, and she cannot imagine a better world to live in; it's one place she's ever visited where she could have survived, been accepted, succeeded, and she can't help but take it personally. Even the death toll doesn't diminish her love for it. Her voice is cracked, still strained, but the conviction and thrill in it shines through.]

That was beautiful. It was worth every second.

[Private to Rorschach]
Are you well? [Because she most definitely is not. It's evident in the croak and strain her voice has taken on. Speaking the message hurts far more than she anticipated and she settles back in for a rest. Come to your inmate, Ror, if you can.]

[Private to the Emperor]
Thank you.

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I can't believe anyone would want to live like this instead. I know it was like watching Rome burn down, but it was Rome for us, all those years before.

Rome was less inviting, much more brutal. The Empire was simply lovely, only as corrupt as everything touched by man is.

I felt safer there.

I want to be her again. She wasn't beautiful, wasn't even well-liked, but she could say what she wanted and you hung on it. All of you.

So did I.

They were better than we are. We deserve to be them again.

Edited 2014-04-15 04:29 (UTC)

This has happened before. One time. [She thought it was behind her, but knows now that she'd only stuffed it far back in her mind into the little hole where she keeps Enoshima and Syo and people she's never given names. The ice surges through her spine to her tongue as she remembers.]

When I asked if I could be this other her again, demanded to stay her, I was told I would have to fight for it. That it didn't count otherwise.

Which time was that? And who told you such a load of nonsense? We could go back again if we've been once.

Someone kidnapped me and... rewrote is the word he used. He changed how I thought so I was happier, I wasn't always angry. I didn't know what had happened until someone told me.

Then they changed me back, and everyone who can manipulate minds here refused me. Xavier changed me the first time, Iris insists you only change who you are naturally.

I don't understand why it's suddenly right to them if the Admiral does it.

[Esther goes very quiet and thoughtful, silent for a moment. When she speaks again her voice is easy and even, as if she never paused at all.]

How did you think when he changed you?

They trust him. For some unfathomable reason they have faith in the Admiral. Probably because he's stronger than they are - why else would they be so afraid of this?

[She pushes on, changing to text halfway through what Esther has to say so she doesn't start to stammer.]

I wanted to apologize to people I'd harmed. A real apology, not a desperate last act in hope of forgiveness. That's what meant the most when I look back. I cared enough about other people that they liked me instead of tolerated my presence. I want her back, even if she's based on lies. She was easier to be, even if the last me was more interesting, and I don't think I can be her again.

And strength isn't enough reason to trust.

You were forgiving, and you were compassionate. And they stopped this? So you could - what, precisely?

No, it isn't. Strength is just a tool.

I was supposed to grow to be that girl instead. They think it's something natural. Anyone who believes that doesn't know who I really am.

Thirteenth little lie ♰ That was the phrase she used to describe to her son of the fun she had had

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