Esther Coleman (
beingdifferent) wrote2014-05-30 07:55 pm
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Seventeenth little lie ♰ I got no one left to mourn for me
[Open spam]
[These last few weeks have been grey and listless for Esther, and today is no different. Still debilitatingly self-conscious, she saves her showers for the strangest possible hours, waking at three A.M. to bathe; she keeps her head down during the dinner shift and follows orders directly; she haunts the art room, both painting pieces (these are skilled, furious, sexual, distinctly adult, with nothing childish at all about them) and playing the piano (she has been perfecting her Rachmaninoff obsessively); and wandering through the gardens or hanging around the door to the CES hoping for access.
She hopes for solitude, but many hopes don't pan out.]
[Private to Lydia]
[After the pairing is announced Esther briefly reviews Lydia's posts to the network and steels herself, slipping back into, if not a childlike role, at least a gentle one. There isn't a real point to denying her age with Lydia, though she still presents herself with an infantile appearance; she knows or she doesn't know, and Esther is not worried about either option. When she contacts her new temporary warden, she's sure to be demure and agreeable, making a neutral observation.]
Your name is Lydia? That's very pretty. I'm Esther; pleased to meet you.
[These last few weeks have been grey and listless for Esther, and today is no different. Still debilitatingly self-conscious, she saves her showers for the strangest possible hours, waking at three A.M. to bathe; she keeps her head down during the dinner shift and follows orders directly; she haunts the art room, both painting pieces (these are skilled, furious, sexual, distinctly adult, with nothing childish at all about them) and playing the piano (she has been perfecting her Rachmaninoff obsessively); and wandering through the gardens or hanging around the door to the CES hoping for access.
She hopes for solitude, but many hopes don't pan out.]
[Private to Lydia]
[After the pairing is announced Esther briefly reviews Lydia's posts to the network and steels herself, slipping back into, if not a childlike role, at least a gentle one. There isn't a real point to denying her age with Lydia, though she still presents herself with an infantile appearance; she knows or she doesn't know, and Esther is not worried about either option. When she contacts her new temporary warden, she's sure to be demure and agreeable, making a neutral observation.]
Your name is Lydia? That's very pretty. I'm Esther; pleased to meet you.
[Private]
So she nods and smiles at Esther's request. She's hiding something.]
Nothing much. I vaguely remember you being upset after we came back from the mirror barge, but I was in the infirmary for a while, so I'm not sure what exactly happened.
That and what you just told me.
[Private]
[Private]
I rather not. You see, back home, if you asked people who I am, most of them would paint you a very superficial picture of me. One that doesn't even begin to describe the real me. Not even my parents really know me. So I would rather have you tell me anything you're comfortable with.
[Private]
There's not much I'm comfortable with. [Esther thinks for a moment, searching out what's right to share.] Rorschach never told me precisely why I'm here. I assume it's because I killed my father. [And it is, partially.] As you'll find out soon, I'm older than I look.
[Private]
[She manages to keep her expression neutral as she listens to Esther.]
How old are you? And what happened to your father?
[Private]
I'm thirty-three. And he was not a good man.
[Private]
[She's shocked at that information, though if her eyes widen in surprise, it's brief.]
Really? I wouldn't have guessed. Do you want people to think you're younger, Esther?
[Private]
[It's less of a reaction than most other people have had. That's good in her eyes.]
It's safer if they do, although nearly everyone here knows how old I am now.
[Private]
What makes you say it's safer? [The say she dresses herself, she certainly seems to be wanting to keep up with that image and Lydia wonders if it has to do with her dad.]
[Private]
Nobody hurts children. [Virtually nobody, anyway. Lydia's suspicion is correct, although her father's influence is probably darker than she expects.]
[Private]
[It's upsetting that Esther feels the need to fake her own age by so much to protect herself and her answer pretty much confirms Lydia's suspicions.]
What if you were somewhere you felt safe enough? Would you be comfortable embracing your own age?
[Private]
[It's partially her father's treatment, partially her own shame over not having a "normal" body. Of being unattractive and less than a real woman, at least in her own eyes.]
Would you, if you were me?
[Private]
[Because even if she's thirty three, if she's spent all her life pretending to be a child, then maybe she doesn't even know what it is like to be treated as an adult.]
If I felt safe? Yeah. But I can't pretend to know all the reasons you choose not to.
[Private]
[Esther doesn't. Being a child has always been safer; acting and looking like an adult means acknowledging that she's a freak.]
Perhaps we can talk about it sometime. But not today, if that's acceptable.
[Private]
[And sometimes the drawings turn out to be messages she's getting as a banshee, so she is very careful to keep an eye out for those. But her focus is Esther, not herself.]
We have time, we definitely don't have to talk about it today. Is there something in particular you'd like to talk about?
[Private]
Maybe. Will you tell me about where you're from?
[Private]
Sure. I'm from Beacon Hills, in California. It's a pretty small town close to San Francisco. I've lived there my whole life.
[Private]
[Private]
Where are you from?
[Private]
[Private]
How did you like those places?
[Private]
[Private]
What do you think they lacked?
[Private]
[Private]
[Private]
[Private]